Time for your shot, parents. This is painful.
You know, like for COVID or when you visit the pediatrician?
Then, there’s the time you heard it from your talk therapist…um, wait. No? Not from your therapist? Ok. Well, there’s a first time for everything — And, here’s your first dose.
Your vaccine today for parental accountability and responsibility. As a society, we’re not doing well. There’s a lot of lazy parents.
A shot for scapegoating parents
Scapegoating – putting the blame (and/or ownership) on someone else. Here’s the maintenance dose vaccine.
In giving back to the community, I participate in an online forum of parenting. But, not as the admin. Recently, I read a parent’s post who was concerned about their elementary child who may or may not have experienced bullying behavior from peers.
The online jury was out debating because it was unclear whether the actions involved were meant to bully or to satisfy a curiosity (The offending elementary child touched a classmate’s hair ornament.). Nevertheless, the original post (OP) was collecting responses of how to manage the situation.
This is painfully wrong.
Violence
First, a number of comments from other parents were worded to encourage violence towards the offending child, (For clarity – wrong. Violence is not the answer.).
There were other comments suggesting to reward the “victim” child for punching “offending” child should it happen again (Again, I’ll say it. No violence.).
Force demands on the school
Second, there was encouragement to force demands on the school. These respondents rationalized using the school’s zero tolerance for bullying as a basis to make the school react to their demands.
What did these respondent parents expect from involving the school?
- The school would punish the “offending” child? This assumes the school trusts the reporting parent.
- The school would punish the parent of the “offending” child? Then the punished parent will punish their child?
- Or does this action simply give the reporting parent a way to avoid their responsibilities?
Shirk responsibility – Let someone else do the work.
A single response suggested to talk with the school counselor. Then the counselor would be expected to sit with the “victim” and the “offender” to help these pre-rational aged beings to work out the problem on their own in witness of an authority figure (Refer to number 3 above.).
Responsible & accountable? Do this.
Arrange a meeting with school representatives.
On the positive, there were a few encouragements to contact the school and arrange for a meeting. The meeting serves as a “heads up” to help prevent future incidents…and that’s it!
Any additional expectations are inappropriate. The school is neither judge nor jury.
Talk to the other parent.
In this instance, the OP parent decided to do a very unfavored action. She SPOKE to the parent of the offending child!
Get ready. This is painful.
Parents, it is your responsibility to model correct behavior. This is done by showing your children through your actions (not words).
Own your parenting: be accountable and responsible. Dig deep for some courage or seek counseling to help develop it.
Peaceably confronting someone takes a lot of guts and self-control. It requires believing in the good of people. It sometimes takes blind trust.
Generally, we are afraid of confrontation because we expect violence. Not surprising given the suggestions above.
Learn from counselors
Google how to talk to your children about bullying and the top posts suggest the parent should tell their child to confront the bully. How do our children learn this and find the courage when as parents we don’t know how?
Here’s some help.
When approaching the other parent, come from a place of commonality. Meaning find something in common with the other parent, “Hi. Mrs. Smith. Thanks for your time today. I know you have a little girl about the same age as mine and there must be times when you worry about her”.
Get permission.
Seek permission which to gain interest and understanding, “Would you mind if I shared a story about something that happened to my child?”
Tell a story.
Tell your story from an observer point of view without naming the offending child, “My son, told me that while on the bus today, another boy did a mean thing to him. He was hurt, confused and left wondering why this happened?”
Ask for another perspective.
Then ask a question, “Mrs. Smith, What would you say to your son?”
This kind of an approach helps to gain empathy about your situation and sharing the problem without accusing. After all, maybe there’s a key piece missing here. What if your child committed the wrong action first? (GASP!!)
Want more help with confrontations? That’s what we do – ChatterSoupe!
References:
Gladden, R. M., Vivolo-Kantor, A. M., Hamburger, M. E., & Lumpkin, C. D. (2014). Bullying surveillance among youths: Uniform definitions for public health and recommended data elements. Retrieved November 13, 2019 from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/bullying-definitions-final-a.pdf – PDF
Office of Adolescent Health (2019 March 25). Adolescent Bullying Basics. Retrieved November 13, 2019 from https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-development/healthy-relationships/bullying/index.html#_ftn1
Smorti, A, Menesini, E. and Smith, P.K. (2003). Parent’s Definitions of Children’s Bullying in a a five-country comparison. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology. Retrieved November 13, 2019 from www.journals.sage.pub
